Seasons of Simplicity

12:59 am - Assertiveness Workshop Part Four

What negative beliefs inhibit your assertiveness?

I believe that I can predict how most people will respond to my requests and ideas (negatively), so I don't bother to share.

My needs cannot be separated from those of others. My only need is to take care of the needs of others. Any other "needs" I think I might have should be suppressed.

I believe that giving in and avoiding conflict leads to peace.

I believe that if I talk about myself I am talking too much.

I believe that verbally expressed disagreement will lead to a fight.

I believe people don't really want to know about me or what I think, and that people just want to hear themselves talk. I also believe I have an obligation to listen to them.

I believe what I say should be aimed at making the other person as comfortable and free as possible, no matter how much I sacrifice myself in the process.

What positive beliefs do you need to develop to become more assertive?

I need to believe that I am a person who deserves respect as a person just like I respect others.

I need to believe that the person I am is not defective or wrong just because some of my needs differ from those of the people in my life.

I need to believe that I am allowed to have positive expectations of communication.

I need to believe that conflict can be enlightening and calmly dealt with.

04:11 am - Assertiveness Workshop Part III

The focus is on Rights and Responsibilities. This part took me a while. It was easy for me to think of what I have a right to in my relationships, but harder for me to consider my responsibilities to others, not without feeling weird and bad. But responsibilities don't have to cancel out rights. I always focus on one or the other, as if it were Rights versus Responsibilities. But both are a part of assertive communication. So on to the question:


What are the main rights and responsibilities that should be observed by both parties in all your relationships?

We both have the right:

to make mistakes.
to say no.
to give feedback.
to say when we don't know or when we don't care.
to be gentle.
to withdraw when things are heated.
to express our opinions.
to decide what we will share.

We both have the responsibility to:

- listen with the most generous possible interpretation.

- respect each other's way of accomplishing a task if we share the same objectives.

- be conservative with criticism and generous with praise.

06:38 am - How To Be More Assertive Pt. II

In part two of the assertiveness workshop, I learned that there are four styles or tactics of assertiveness: Negotiate (I win, You win), Concede (You win, I lose), Demand (I win, You lose), Withdraw (no winners or losers). They are all appropriate at times, although Negotiate is the best tactic and should be used the most.

1. Think of some examples of situations when it might be best or appropriate to use each of these tactics - try to think of two scenarios for each:

Negotiate
1. When it is a matter of importance to both parties, and you are capable of being calm and strong.
2. When you are in a position of strength and have the greater claim, you can create a win-win.

Concede
1. When the matter is more important to the other person.
2. When you are in the weaker position, and the other person has more of a claim.

Demand
1. When it is your right by law or policy.
2. when you are being treated unprofessionally.

Withdraw
1. When it is a matter of importance to both parties, but things are too heated and emotional to go forward right now.
2. When you don't feel strong enough to get what you want right now, but it is too important to let go forever.

2. How do you feel about using each of these tactics personally? If it helps, think of situations when you have behaved in this way, and recall how you felt at the time:

Negotiate:
I feel this is the best tactic, but it can be hard for me to use it. It takes strength, calm, and rationality. When I am able to use this tactic, I feel best about the situation. I am better at helping other people do this.

Concede:
I use this a lot but I take a hit to my self-worth. It feels easier to just give up or give in, and to deal with my emotions. But that often means repressing how I really feel and what I really want. On the other hand, this tactic works for me when I am able to choose my battles and keep perspective. I like being able to "let go".

Demand:
I feel uncomfortable using this tactic, but that doesn't mean I don't use it. I do, but I feel like I am coming off as crass, mean, and aggressive rather than assertive. Sometimes I use this tactic after trying one of the others, such as withdrawing or conceding. When I demand, I feel like I am speaking to my truth, but I just don't seem to be able to do it reasonably.

Withdraw:
This is a good tactic to help calm things down so I can come back and employ one of the others. I don't know about using this tactic by itself. I still feel like SOMETHING has to be done with the issue. In the past, I have struggled with failing to do this and becoming too angry and emotional. But repressing my thoughts and feelings doesn't work any better. Perhaps I could use withdrawal to work through what I want, feel, and think (and not to run away), and then use one of the other tactics.

3. Finally, how do you feel when someone else uses these tactics with you? Again, if it helps, think of situations when someone has behaved in this way and recall your reaction and feelings:

Negotiate: I feel respected. I don't remember too many times that someone has used this tactic with me. I would feel like a person of equal worth. I would prefer people use this tactic with me.

Concede:
I like when people concede, especially in business disputes. However, many times I feel bad and end up giving them what they wanted. It is as if by conceding, they guilt me into giving up. I don't even know if this is ever done intentionally or not. I am not comfortable when others concede, although at first I feel a thrill of victory. I would like to take concessions gracefully.

Demand:
I hate this tactic with a passion. I do not respond well to this. I become very defensive when this tactic is used with me. I just had to remind myself that this tactic can be used properly, because it is hard for me to imagine it ever being okay for people to treat me that way. Except...when I worked in customer service, I didn't always mind demanding customers, because their needs were clear. I do like clarity.

Withdraw:
I don't like when this tactic is used with me. I feel like they are running away or shutting me up. It's like I feel I have to initiate the withdrawal or it is some kind of attack. Now I am thinking that I am being ungracious when I don't allow someone to withdraw. I never consider that some time apart can help me just as much as it helps them. I always feel like it is part of a strategy to make me lose.

Which of the four styles do you tend to use more than others?

Concede.

Why?

Conceding is easy. I can figure out a way to make it okay with myself. I also think it allows me to keep being "self-centered". There is power in being able to concede, as much power in demanding. I don't often feel powerful enough in my own right to negotiate, and withdrawing is hard in the heat of the moment. By conceding, I can make someone else happy and feel like a good person. But the stress and added pressure of fulfilling the wants of other and always subjugating my own is very difficult.

Which of the four styles (if any) do you find it difficult to use?
Negotiate and Withdraw.

Why?

Negotiating is hard because it requires not taking things personally. It requires remaining calm yet staying in touch with my needs and opinions. When I am interacting with other people and I need something that I am not getting, I feel so much pressure and a whirlwind of emotions. It is so hard to remain calm! Also, I don't know if I always believe I am in a strong enough position to negotiate. And if I have said or done something wrong, I usually want to concede even if that isn't the right thing to do.

Withdrawing is hard because I feel immense pressure to make a decision and to go with something. Also, my emotions can be too strong for me to walk away. Even if it is not a dispute and it is a simple request, if someone says no, then I feel like I am drowning and I have to stop it somehow, either by getting feisty and demanding, or giving in and conceding.

02:36 am - How To Be More Assertive

I am doing the online assertiveness "workshop" found here, and I have just completed the first part, "What is assertiveness?" I had to answer a series of questions and am preserving the answers here for posterity.

1. What do you want to be able to do after this workshop that you could not do before?

I want to be able to talk confidently with men and express interest if I feel it. I want to be able to speak up if I don't want or can't afford something. I want to be able to ask for help. I want to be able to debate without feeling bad or turning nasty. I want to stop lying about what I want, how I feel, and what I've done. I want to look forward to communicating with people, rather than feeling fear and pressure over every conversation. I want to say what I think. I want to be able to preach with boldness and teach others Bible truths.

2. What would the above behaviour (your answer to question 1) give you that you that you didn't have before?

I would feel more confident. I would know myself and my strengths and limitations better. I would have more friends. I would advance in my relationships with men. I would feel whole and like a person with integrity. I could show more sides of myself, including the side that likes to question and the side that disagrees. I would get more attention. I would feel visible. Doors would open that would give me real opportunities, adventures, and achievements and I wouldn't feel the need to make them up. I would have a purpose in life.

3. And what would that (your answer to question 2) give you that you didn't have before?

Confidence would make me prouder, and I would feel better-looking. Friends would give me an extended family and support system. Relationships with men would give me release from all of the pent-up sexual frustration and romantic need. Showing multiple sides of myself would let myself and others see who I am completely. Visibility and attention would make me feel plugged into humanity. Opportunity and adventure would deepen me as a person and give me something to do. A purpose in life would give me vision and foundation.

4. And what would that (your answer to question 3) give you that you didn't have before?

Pride in myself would give me more focus on ways to better myself, and higher self-esteem. Extended family and support would give me the strength to get out on my own, and give me places to go and people to go there with. Release from sexual and romantic frustration would go a long way toward freeing me from the shameful, guilty thoughts and wasted energy of pining. Being seen for who I am by others would increase the chances that I can find kindred spirits. Being plugged into humanity would help me embrace others and be less self-centered. Having something to do every day would give me things to talk about and look forward to. A solid foundation in life would give me release from existential depression.

5. And what would that (your answer to question 4) give you that you didn't have before?

- freedom from the pressure of perfection.
- freedom from co-dependent relationships.
- peace of mind and a clean conscience.
- a sense of belonging.
- be kinder.
- excitement and joy.
- a better relationship with Jehovah God.

6. This next question is a bit harder, and you will probably need to keep thinking about it long after you have completed this course: what is the best way for you to get the above (ie your answer to question 5).

Prayer, meditation, and obedience to Jehovah. If I love Jehovah I can have a better relationship with him. If I am obedient and part of the Christian congregation, I can have a sense of belonging. If I have the Holy Spirit, I can have true joy and kindness because those are fruitages of the spirit. I don't have to be perfect if I accept Jehovah's undeserved kindness. This will make me a better person, putting less pressure on myself and others to be perfect, and I can have true friendships. I can finally truly love others and be loved.

7. Finally, why is it so difficult to say "No"?

I don't want to make anyone else feel bad because I don't want to be a bad person. I don't want others to feel pain. I don't want people to think less of me because I don't want what they want. I don't want to be angry, bitter, and alone. I don't want the discomfort of conflict.

Current Mood: calm

12:43 am - Jericho

A lot of recent reflecting and some insightful therapy sessions have brought me to what I believe to be a critical point. I have long perceived a conflict between what I see as my essential personality and the character I need to develop in order to grow and be a whole person close to God. For as long as I can remember I have isolated myself. My therapist suggests it is a defense developed as a child trying to cope with the horrible and violent chaos in my household, as well as the fact that I was very different from most of the people I encountered, and people don't really like "different". I'm sure that is true and exploring that perspective has helped, but it is not enough to push me "over the hump" because I know, I know, that there is something in my being that makes isolation a natural choice for me. There is an essential part of me that is diminished when I am not alone. I was born with these walls as much as I crafted them. Now this may not be reality but it is my reality and has been for a very long time (all of my conscious life). So when I try to climb the walls or knock them down bit by bit, I run into a ferocious enemy: me. This is the one thing I can't talk myself out of, this is the thing I cannot rationalize, this is where my mind fails me. Therefore, I have long felt that it would take something huge, something obvious and catastrophic to knock these walls down. Something very scary, something that could crush me unless it came from God. But God knows who and what I am...right? Isolation cannot be right but for me there hasn't been any other way. And I haven't heard any trumpets.

What really got to me was realizing that I haven't really loved anyone outside of my family. That is painful but it is also true, and for me - truth salves the pain. Love is vulnerable. Okay, that's not what the scripture says. Hmm, love does not keep an account of injury, but I do and always have with every friend I have ever had. Always looking out behind the protective barrier of my Jericho walls, I know what I have done and what I did and did not receive in return from others. My therapist caught me today when I said that I am afraid "I will never be loved, never loved in return". That's saying two different things. To love and to be loved is not tied to having anything "returned". I have kept account and kept so much account that I am buried in my "accounts", so deep I don't even want friends anymore. They seem like such a fantasy-thing. Friendship must exist but I have not allowed myself to experience the grace of it and it is me who did the stopping, not any of the people who tried to be my friend. I do not trust ANYONE. I do not even really trust God. Now I have trusted my family, really had faith in them and been hurt many times. I do not trust them unthinkingly anymore which is a good thing, but there is an emptiness in my life that wasn't there before. As toxic and crazy as my relationship with my family was, there was always love there and it reached behind my walls (while fortifying them all the while). I know I have substituted taking care of my family and relating to them for experiencing intimacy with other, but I don't know how to replace it at all. I don't have much experience trusting and I don't know what it is like to be loved. This is not to say that no one has ever loved me, I just haven't been able to feel it. I wouldn't really recognize it and I know that.

So now what? There won't be any trumpets to knock down the walls. But I can't live with them anymore. Now what?

02:18 am

A lot changed as spring became summer. I believe I know what joy is now, because it is ever present in my life. Every day I have an unabiding peace of spirit and bright, hopeful outlook, no matter what happens. Joy isn't the same as pleasure. Sometimes I'm working hard and not feeling pleasurable. Sometimes I get sad or frustrated. I'm grateful for emotions now, no matter what. But no matter what happens and no matter how I feel, it's like my heart takes the longview, and that is always hopeful. I have hope for every day, that I can live fully, and many days I really feel as if I have lived that hope. I have little social anxiety, and I am not ashamed of who I am. I can talk to other people now because I'm not afraid to open up to them, to share my spirit, my beliefs. In turn, they embrace me and I embrace them. I've discovered that people are really drawn to me. I have been given a gift and I treasure it. I am so grateful for life and for joy, both of which come from Jehovah.

I can't really express how monumental this is for me. I remember meditating on the fruitage of the spirit and deciding that Joy was the most elusive one for me. I remember being so envious of happy, stable people. I remember being so, so, so miserable for so long. I remember being depressed most of the year, and living only for the few weeks in Spring when I could feel hope and a sense of purpose. Now it's there every day. Every day. I am really shaken and humbled by how much I have been blessed, and by how significant it is just to breathe. I am really happy to be me. I believe I am living much more authentically. I feel strong and sometimes, in my secret times, I feel powerful. It's very humbling actually. But the power to impact the lives of others is real, and strong, and important.

Also, I feel pretty sexy and womanly. My outer appearance has changed as my inner significance grew.

Current Mood: peaceful

06:04 pm

When I was a teenager I fought a lot. Usually with words but sometimes with fists. When I fought, I felt most energetic, most high but also most torn. To my mind, I never fought for frivolity. I fought for fairness, I screamed to be heard, I cried to impress upon the world the depth of my feeling. But in the end, I was never satisfied. When I didn't fight, I felt invisible. When I did fight, I thought people paid more attention to my tone (which was always either too hot or too cold) and not what was behind it all.

Once I hit my twenties, I mellowed down some, but the pain did not lessen. It became even more acute, until I finally fell into the deep depression that had always been lingering, waiting to swallow me. But now, in some ways, I am grateful for it. I was too lethargic, too anguished to fight for my values. They were obscured anyway. When I did get angry, I raged. But I knew there was a futility in it. There were times when I felt like I had finally fallen over the edge, and at the last moment I grasped it with the tip of my fingers. At my most hopeless, I yearned to just let slip quietly. But I couldn't let go.

I just wanted a reason to hope. I needed something to believe in. I needed to be free, to follow my fears and my fancies. I felt so much pressure, and I thought it was coming from everyone else. But now I know, I really know, that all of the pressure and all of the walls were built by me. And in this knowing, I have found freedom. There will be times when I forget this, but once known the knowing never slips too far away. I can live my values, I can let myself live them. I don't have to fight so hard for them, because no one can take them away from me, and no one else can diminish that which lives in my heart. And maybe no one else can understand either, but mayhap they'll be touched by my life and my light.

Current Mood: happy

07:04 pm - as another INFP put it, "my heart in words"

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Current Mood: contemplative

10:35 pm - Final Thoughts On Authenticity

Today I had some authenticity crises. It seems like it's easier to lie or better yet, hide until things pass over than to just say what I want and what I need and live on with it. Maybe I think I had crises today because I'm actually consciously noticing when I wasn't before. Anyway, I'll go through the last five elements of authenticity for the catalyst/idealist personality type.

Connecting and Re-Connecting. I see the value in everyone, connecting with their deeper, truer self, and essence.

I give myself a 2 on this. This is the domain of one of the aspects of my personality, Lady Joy. I was once asked if I could be a superhero, what superhero would I be, and I made up Lady Joy on the spot. I connect to people when I can see who and what they really are, behind the masks, the insecurities and the false bravado.  It's not only a natural inclination but also a skill I've honed. Now see Lady Joy, she swoops in when someone is in need of comfort, upbuilding and hope. That someone could be anyone, including me. She perceives what is good and hopeful about a person or their situation, and using empathy she finds a way to help them to see it. See, if I could be a superheroine, I'd want the power to bring joy and hope to people. Not necessarily all people, just one person. It makes me feel like I have a purpose, a reason to be, a reason to relate. But I could do better in this area. A lot of times I can see right through to the essence of someone, but not when I'm being blinded by my own issues, which is a lot.

Taking Back Projections. I take responsibility for my own judgments and interpretations, and focus less on what others do or think.

I've changed a lot in this area, so much so that I think I'm a 2 here. I've always had a tendency to blame myself for everything, but I could also be pretty bitter about being so "bad", "abnormal" and "imperfect". Last year I started focusing on my projections and perceptions, based in part on some things I learned from the book "Inner Work" by Robert Johnson. My mind, it blew, when I realized that a lot of the things that I admire in others and hate in others are projections stemming from my own unrealized strengths and unconscious foibles. I believe the original concept is Freudian. One of the exercises in the book was to focus on one person who inspires a lot of thoughts and judgements in me, and write down all the things that annoy me about that person and the things I admire. I chose my mother, as my strongest emotions center around her. I was amazed at how similar we are. And disturbed, I must admit, I was disturbed. I see that we mirror each other a lot, even though our personality types are somewhat different (she's an ESFP, I'm an INFP). But that really empowered me as well. Ever since, I've learned to check myself when I'm letting my judgements and perceptions get me too upset and blind. I take my power back when I take back my projections.

Sharing Mixed Emotions. I express the complex feelings of my ambivalence and confusion, and I am comfortable with inconsistencies.

I'll say this is a 3. On some level I am comfortable with inconsistencies, but I've spent too many years obsessing over them for me to say that I'm really comfortable. I definitely have complex feelings, and I'm often ambivalent and confused. I just don't know how often I express it. I feel like a flibbertigibbet when I show these feelings. Only when I'm really comfortable with someone do I show this. Usually I stay quiet or project a confidence and surety I don't really feel. Then when circumstances change, and I'm so adaptable because I was already of two (or three, or seven) minds about the subject anyway.  So in that sense, I'll show my ambivalence and willingness to question, so long as I feel like it's okay. For example, if the other person is showing ambivalence, confusion or worse, negativity because they're unsure. I am of mixed emotions so often that I fairly doubt if I'm even feeling one way or another on a daily basis. I can see that I'm never going to feel comfortable or connected if I hide these emotions.

Asserting What I Want and Don’t Want. I affirm my rights to want what I need and want, even if it’s unreasonable, or if there is little chance of getting it.

Ha ha. I'm going to say 4 out of 5, but I'm working on it. I used to be unable to return things to stores or to ask people for anything at all. I was never able to stand up to anyone except in certain limited (and limiting) circumstances: Over the safe distance of the telephone, especially once I worked in customer service myself, I learned how to assert myself with companies and the people who work for them, although I'd more often get angry and nasty than be reasonable and calmly assertive. Another circumstance where I could assert myself would be in an online debate, although not as well in face-to-face debates like when I was in the debate club in high school. I let the more dominant members of my team basically lose the debate for us, when I not only knew better, I could have argued better, if I would just assert my need to speak. Lastly, when I would finally lose my cool and get into heated arguments, I had little problem asserting myself, but I usually went over the line. Back in those days I would have said 5 out of 5, because even when I did assert myself, it was rarely with good results. It was often a confused manifestation of my swirling emotions and thoughts.

However, once I became more conscious of what I actually need and want, and once I did some work on my self-esteem, I started becoming more assertive. I need to be a lot more confident though. Or really, I need to learn to speak up even when I'm not completely sure and rehearsed. I'm just not even close.

Seeing and Making Choices. I recognize a variety of perspectives and choose to act in alignment with my values, wants, needs, and best interests.

The final authenticity statement, and I will give myself a 3. I have become very aware of the many choices and I couldn't hide from the multiple perspectives even if I wanted to. I have also been able to see a number of things that I want to do but I still need more work when it comes to making those choices. You know what's been so freeing? It's when I allow my intuition to do what it do, and it perceives all of the options and all of the choices available. Then my feeling can help me to make choices in line with my values, but my intuition has made me aware that there are far more choices than I thought. There are many paths to follow, they're all the same one really, but there's also so much variety in the way I can walk.

Well, I've been putting it off. I must exercise now.

Current Mood: good

11:23 pm - On Authenticity Pt. 2

More reflections on the Authenticity test at http://www.infj.com/INFJ_Authenticity.htm

Spontaneity. I act and react in the moment, without constraint, reservation, internal judgment, or external force.

Ehh, 3 out of 5, so, average right now.  But now that I think about it, this is mainly because I spend a LOT of time by myself. Even when I'm out and about, I'm still alone. So yeah, sometimes I may skip and sing when walking down the street, and I'll change my plans on the instant, but when I have to directly interact with other people, I still clam up something awful. I'll say that in the last month I've really consciously gotten in touch with the more free-spirited, content and unreserved side of myself. Well, there's three different parts of me, one I call Lady, one I call Lady Joy and one I call Danila. No, I'm not crazy, okay. Even when I'm pretending to talk on a cell phone when I'm really talking to myself (there's a lack of authenticity right there), I'm not crazy. Danila is the center of my spontaneity. Danila is the keeper of my music. Danila never pretends. When there's music, give me a few minutes, and I'm so into it that it doesn't matter who's there or what's going on. I'm livelier, sassier, willing to move and dance and sing. I was not always this way, but an initially bad experience with karaoke on a cruise ship (yeah, a cruise ship) actually opened up a big, wonderful part of me. Since then I've performed my own songs in public. Danila is a low-key rock star, she has her own world I've kind of created for her. One thing she knows is that she is loved and she's worthy and she has something to offer, and she channels this through music. And Danila is definitely me. A big part of me. She's the one a lot of my friends see when I'm being extroverted and fun.

I'm spontaneous. That's one thing that I know now that I didn't know when I thought I was an ISFJ. One of the hallmarks of that personality type is being scheduled, planned and needing to stick to decisions. For years I made plans and scheduled every day (never stuck to them and hated myself for it, if I noticed). I would be torn up inside over having to stick to decisions that my mind and heart were rebelling against, but I didn't listen to them. I tried to be what I thought was responsible and number one, consistent. I had so many hang-ups over consistency. I didn't like it when others weren't consistent and I was dedicated to being stable and consistent myself. I have let go of that in a major way and oooh I'm so happy about it. I don't quite know how others have adjusted to this, I think there have had to be growing pains for everyone.

Embracing The Unknown. I am able to let go of the need to know how things will turn out.

A 2 out of 5. I don't have that need so it was relatively easy to let go of it once I realized it didn't mean so much to me. One of the sources of my pain is when I constrain myself, keep myself in one place doing one thing when I'd really like to try something else. It took a long time for me to realize that the voice that stops me is often not really my own voice. Look, I'd pick up and move across the country tomorrow. I'm definitely an opportunist. This ties in with spontaneity too. The problem is that I'll stop myself for fear of what others might think. And also because I don't know if what I'm doing is really in line with Jehovah's will or not. So I have to hold myself up. But in general, I don't need to know how things will turn out perhaps because there's always a silver lining in any future.....somewhere. I'll do anything. All of the fun is in the journey, not the end. For those times when I do stop myself, I've been learning to paradigm-shift and by changing my perspective motivate myself to tackle new things without any fear of what will happen in the end.

Noticing My Intent. I allow things to happen rather than trying to control or manipulate to make things happen.

Hmm. Once I'm in a situation, yes, I usually allow things to happen. I am really a go-with-the-flow sort of girl. It's like, one of my mottos. But, before I'm in a situation, well, I guess I'm rather controlling. The thing is, I don't think I have a natural, typic need to control or manipulate. When I do that, I'm actually going against the flow and I can feel that. I think I would really naturally prefer to allow things to happen and be free to change course whenever I want and without fear (to be spontaneous and embrace the unknown). But I have to give this a 2, because there are times when I try to plan for everything and try to control what people will think of me.

I think I made up the word typic but maybe it should exist if it doesn't. I mean I don't think it's a need stemming from my personality type. No, I don't want to say typical.

Revising An Earlier Statement. I give myself permission to change my mind, to re-state an earlier communication, add clarification, or to clear up a misunderstanding.

A number 1, finally. Yes, I definitely give myself permission to do this. Even if it doesn't happen in the moment, I feel bad if I don't go back and revise at some point, so I really think I nearly always do. In fact, sometimes it can become a compulsion, and I end up making things less clear than they need to be. But don't worry, I'll just keep on talking and coming back to it until you understand, ha. So with that acquaintance who wants me to move with her and I didn't say no, I know that I'm going to go back and clear that up with her, probably tomorrow night. I always do. And I'm always, always, always revising my written words. Although usually not to correct for grammar. If that's not already clear.

Holding Differences. I am open to considering viewpoints that are different or opposed to my own without sensing that it takes something away from me.

Hmm. I don't know what to think. So I'll give it a 3. I have two natural inclinations that can make this either better or worse, depending on the inclination. On the one hand, I can see and appreciate many different perspectives of a thing. Most viewpoints held by others don't really mean anything to me, but I don't know if that's always such a good thing. However, I am naturally curious, and I'm most curious about people and what they feel (and maybe what they think).  I am also a natural integrator, so when I'm presented with any sort of information I did not previously know (including the viewpoints of others), I often automatically integrate it with what I already know so that everything is in harmony. That can make me more tolerant, because everything fits anyway. Most things don't mean enough to me to shake me. On the OTHER hand, when it comes to my core values, I don't harbor much disagreement. And I have definitely been something of a fighter for a long time. I still have a ways to go when it comes to accepting disagreement with regard to certain things. Mainly, the way people treat other people. Other people mainly meaning me, but also anyone else. I have personality conflicts with people because they don't treat people the way I think they should. On some level, I realize that it's a personality thing, not a character thing, so I should stop judging. But I could work on this a lot more.

I guess I'll finish this up tomorrow.